Don’t Set Yourself on Fire to Keep Others Warm: The Art of Protecting Your Energy
- Ruthy Baker
- 14 minutes ago
- 11 min read
There’s a quote I carry close to my heart these days:
“Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”
Oof. Right? That one hits like a lightning bolt.
Mostly because it describes a mistake I’ve made - not once, not twice, but more times than I can count. And if I’m honest, it nearly burned me out completely.
Maybe you can relate:
You keep giving, keep supporting, keep saying yes… until there’s nothing left in the tank. And yet, you keep pushing yourself, thinking that’s what love or loyalty looks like.
Spoiler alert: it’s not.
My People-Pleasing Confessions
Let me spill. For years, I never saw myself as a leader in my own right. Somewhere along the line, I picked up the belief that my “gift” was being a great support to others.
And by “great support,” I mean… general dogsbody. Doormat. The one holding everything together while slowly falling apart inside.
I once worked alongside an ex in his business - long, relentless days that often started at 7:00 a.m. and ended close to midnight. And even then, I’d feel guilty if I didn’t rustle up something to eat, iron shirts, or whip the vacuum around. Picture me running around with a broom up my backside, sweeping up at the same time (not a great look, let me tell you, but you catch my drift).
And then there were the “friends” who leaned on me. I’d clean their houses because guests were coming and they were in a complete panic. They claimed they were “no good at housework.” Of course, they assured me I was “so organised and good at it” and so naturally, wanting to be a good friend, I swooped in. Meanwhile, I had my own full-time job and my own home to keep on top of. And they didn't work. Go figure.
And here’s the kicker: I even pulled up sticks and moved my entire life to places I didn’t want to be, just to support someone else’s dream. This particular person had ideas about chasing opportunities, and apparently my role was to follow, no questions asked.
Looking back, I can only shake my head. Off-the-scale people-pleasing? It sucks.
But here’s the silver lining: none of those people are in my life anymore. And you know what? Thank goodness!
The Hidden Cost of Burning Yourself Out
When you keep setting yourself on fire to keep others warm, here’s what really happens:
You burn out.
You feel resentful but keep smiling.
You lose touch with your own desires.
You become everyone else’s “yes” person while constantly saying “no” to yourself.
And the worst part? Very few people actually appreciate the sacrifice. You give everything, but it’s never quite enough.
I used to believe that being endlessly supportive was noble. But in reality, it was a slow erasure of myself. And trust me, that doesn’t serve anyone.
Why We Fall Into the Trap
So where does this come from?
Some of it is conditioning. Especially as women, we’re praised for being helpful, supportive, accommodating. We’re taught to be “good girls,” to keep the peace, to sacrifice quietly in the background. Leadership? That’s often seen as “bossy” or “selfish.”
And if you’ve got an empathic streak, if you naturally feel other people’s needs and want to ease their suffering, the trap is even vice like. You mistake over-giving for compassion. But real compassion includes you.
Boundaries Are Beautiful (and Essential)
Here’s the truth I wish I’d known sooner:
Boundaries aren’t selfish. They’re essential.
Think of your energy like a flame. If you keep pouring it out without tending it, eventually you’ll be standing in the dark. But when you tend your own fire first, you can share warmth with others without burning yourself to ashes.
A boundary isn’t a wall that shuts people out. It’s a loving filter that protects your energy so you can give from a place of wholeness.
Practical Ways to Protect Your Energy
If you’ve recognised yourself in my story, here are some ways to stop setting yourself on fire and start tending your own flame:
Notice the “yes-but-I-mean-no” moments.
If you agree to something but instantly feel resentment bubbling up, that’s your clue.
Check your energy before you commit.
Ask: Do I want to do this? Do I have the capacity? What will it cost me?
Practice small no’s.
Boundaries don’t have to be dramatic. Start with little ones and build your muscle.
Replace guilt with truth.
Saying no doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you care about yourself too.
Use a mantra.
Try: “I serve best when I’m whole.”
Journaling Prompts for Self-Reflection
Where in my life do I give until I’m empty?
What belief do I hold about saying “no”?
How does resentment show me when I’ve crossed my own boundary?
What’s one situation this week where I can practice a small no?
Who models healthy boundaries that I admire?
What does tending my own flame look like in daily life?
💛 And hey — sharing is caring, subscribing is savvy, and liking? That’s basically a warm, virtual hug that encourages me to keep writing. So please, do keep them coming... 💛
Q&A on Protecting Your Energy
Q: Isn’t it selfish to put myself first?
A: No. It’s survival. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and you can’t keep others warm if you’ve burned yourself out.
Q: What if people get upset when I set boundaries?
A: That’s their discomfort talking, not your worth. Boundaries might rattle those who benefited from you having none, but that doesn’t make them wrong.
Q: How do I know if I’ve gone too far the other way?
A: Boundaries aren’t about shutting the world out. They’re about creating balance. If you’re still showing up with joy, love, and presence, you’re on track.
Don't Set Yourself On Fire - The Soulful Takeaway
If you’ve been running around with the metaphorical broom up your backside, doing everything for everyone and nothing for yourself, then please hear this:
Your flame is precious. Don’t burn it out to keep others warm.
Protect your energy. Nurture your needs. And remember, when you tend your own fire, you don’t just keep yourself warm - you shine brighter for everyone around you.
Further Resources:
Brené has a way of holding up a mirror that’s both tender and unflinchingly honest. In The Gifts of Imperfection, she invites us to step away from proving, pleasing, and performing, and instead lean into authenticity, self-compassion, and courage. It’s the kind of book that makes you exhale and think, “Ohhh… so it’s not just me.”
👉 If you’ve ever felt guilty for saying no or wondered if you’re “enough” without doing all the things, this one will wrap around you like a wise friend. Take a peek here on Amazon.
This is boundaries school in book form. Nedra Glover Tawwab doesn’t just tell you why boundaries matter — she gives you scripts, examples, and practical steps to make them doable. If Brené shines the light of compassion, Nedra hands you the toolkit to actually draw the line.
👉 Perfect if you’ve recognised your own “yes-but-I-mean-no” moments and want to practice healthier patterns. See more on Amazon.
Tara Brach takes the art of self-tending deeper. Through her RAIN practice (Recognise, Allow, Investigate, Nurture), she teaches you how to pause, notice your feelings, and respond with kindness — even when guilt or old people-pleasing habits flare up. This isn’t just about boundaries with others; it’s about boundaries with your own inner critic too.
👉 A beautiful companion if you’re craving gentleness alongside growth. Explore it on Amazon.
Affiliate disclosure: As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases at no extra cost to you. Thank you for supporting my work - it helps me keep creating self-help and soulful content for you!
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