What is your Plan B now that you’ve decided to draw a line in the sand and accept that your desire for a child isn’t going to happen?
If you’re a Childless-Not-By-Choice woman it’s likely that you’ve felt pressure to have a child to feel ‘complete.’ As if you’re a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece. And without it, you’ll never have peace.
Yet the truth is that you’re not lacking. It’s simply the critical voice in your head that makes you think you are. In essence, the critical voice is made up of all the ideas, beliefs and societal values that you’ve absorbed throughout your life. The only problem is that you’ve decided they’re yours.
If the beliefs you hold are ones that make you feel positive about living a childless life, then that’s great. But the fact you’re reading this blog indicates that perhaps you view that your childless situation means your life is lacking.
It’s understandable if you view your situation negatively, given how being a mother is viewed as a woman’s true raison d’etre by a large number of people. But you’re not lacking. You never have been. But to give meaning to life, you may now be left feeling as though you need to find a purpose in life.
What is Your Plan B?
Perhaps you’ve alternated between Plan A (trying to get pregnant) and deciding what is your Plan B (trying to work out what to do if Plan A doesn’t happen). Without taking stock of what you would want to achieve, even if you had a child.
Connecting with that suppressed dream is one of the ways to begin healing. In the midst of trying to have a child, whether that’s through a medical intervention, or looking for the right relationship in the first place, it’s easy to go inside yourself. To withdraw away from the life available to you out in the world.
I’m not talking about hiding at home with the curtains drawn. Or even retreating from friends, family or the workplace. Although frankly, there have been times when I did exactly that.
No, I’m talking about your other dreams. The ones which although you hold them inside, they can only be manifested by going out into the world. It’s ‘out there’ that you discover what skills you need to learn. Where to find the best mentors. And to find out just what your hidden talents are. In order to uncover the creative ability within you – you need to get outside of yourself. In effect, you need to get out of your own way and take a leap outside your comfort zone. To discover what is your Plan B.
Clarity and Truthfulness
Working out exactly what is your Plan B is all about clarity and truthfulness:
Clarity begins by narrowing down what goals would light the fire within you right now. What is it that you would love to achieve? How would you love to spend your days?
Truthfulness means accepting that the most important opinion on what you should do with your life – is yours. It’s easy to feel that because you couldn’t have a child that you need to ‘make up for it’ by doing what others deem worthy of doing.
You may have noticed that I mentioned deciding what goals to pursue. There’s no mention of ‘life purpose.’ That’s because I don’t believe it’s possible to discover your life purpose until you’ve tried out a few goals. It’s through the process of exploring your gifts and talents that you’ll learn what truly resonates – and how to use and refine them. Each exciting step is part of your internal sat-nav system, which will lead to your purpose by default. You may have a rough idea of what Plan B could be, but it’s not until the rubber meets the road of moving towards it, that you’ll know if you’re heading in the right direction.
Have the Right Goal
And there’s a difference between what seems to be your heart’s desire and what feels right for you. The right goal will be the one that you enjoy, that feels good as you head towards it. In a sense, it’s not the right Plan B you’re aiming for. It’s how achieving what is your Plan B will make you feel in the process of obtaining it that counts.
Dealing with Resistance
But there’s something that needs to be dealt with before you go further. That something is call resistance.
For years, you’ve hoped for Plan A. It never happened. It’s possible that your desire for a child has consumed virtually every thought you had. Not only is that a conscious stress, but over time it’s also taken in by your subconscious mind as being so important that your life depends on it. What is repeatedly thought about with strong emotion attached to it, is taken to be a survival need.
When you reach the point of moving forward from being childless, and decide that you need to move on, it will take time for your subconscious to catch up. Until it does, you’ll feel the resistance rise.
Most times it feels like anxiety, stress or fear. It can also show up as procrastination and tiredness. There are two ways to deal with it:
Be prepared and expect to feel resistance.
Use a technique (such as meridian tapping) to overcome it.
Use Meridian Tapping to Release Blocks
Using meridian tapping can not only help you to minimise the unwanted effects of resistance that lead to self-sabotaging behaviour. Meridian tapping can also help you to release any limiting beliefs you have about yourself in relation to achieving what is your Plan B.
There’s a plethora of limiting beliefs that need to be cleared. Perhaps you subconsciously think that if you achieve success, you’ll no longer ‘fit in’ with your friends or family. There might be a fear that you’ll be shunned because you believe that success equals loneliness. Perhaps you’ve set goals before and didn’t achieve them. And now a fear of failure holds you back. No matter, the important thing is to push past resistance. It just makes sense to move past it as quickly and easily as possible.
How to Call Out Resistance
One way to call resistance out is by noticing how you judge others. Think of someone who has reached a similar goal. What thoughts or judgements come up in your mind? Now ask yourself ‘Do I fear that other people will think the same about me?’
If you feel anxiety, perhaps in the form of emotions spinning inside of you, or a heavy feeling within your body, it’s likely you’ve uncovered an aspect of resistance.
To help you overcome resistance to what is your Plan B, I’ve put together some resources on meridian tapping for you to try out.
Meridian Tapping Resources
Take a look at the demonstration of meridian tapping and the sample script to use as the basis for your own resistance clearing. Once you’re comfortable with the routine, adapt the script to suit your own needs.
Refer to the files section in my Facebook Group (details below) and download the following PDFs:
The Tapping Points and Associated Meridians.
The Face and Body Meridian Points
The Finger Meridian Points
Meridian Tapping Demonstration (see YouTube video below)
Sample Meridian Tapping Script
Join my Facebook Group and YouTube Channel
I run a private Facebook group – Childless-Not-By-Choice – Healing & Moving Forward. It’s for blogs and healing resources (such as EFT Meridian Tapping, Hypnotherapy, Guided Meditations, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and much more) to help recover from the emotional trauma of being childless-not-by-choice, and move forward with your life.
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Here’s a quick demonstration of the meridian tapping points. Please like, share and subscribe! Click on the link below:
Don’t Let Fear or Resistance Hold You Back
Being Childless-Not-By-Choice is a hugely stressful and highly emotional experience that never seems to end. It takes time to heal from the fallout and be able to move on with your life. And making the decision to move forward is often the first step many of us will take towards healing from the pain of childlessness. Don’t let fear or resistance hold you back.
I hope you find these blogs and resources helpful. Let me know if there are particular aspects of being Childless-Not-By-Choice that you would like me to address in a blog for you.
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Here are some other resources to help you clear any blocks to what is your Plan B:
What I love about this book by Vex King is that it’s chock full of honest and insightful perspectives, is well researched and gives practical steps to learn to truly love yourself. What seems on the surface perhaps a superficial thought – the importance of loving yourself – is in fact the basis for a solid foundation from which to launch your dreams. In short, this book is life-changing. Buy this book! Click on the link below: Good Vibes, Good Life: How Self-Love Is the Key to Unlocking Your Greatness – Vex King:
To my mind, loving yourself includes the need to be a bit selfish. Why’s that, I hear you ask? Because learning to finally put your needs first is the ultimate first step towards true self-care. Too many childless women feel they have to make up for their lack of a child by taking on the role of ‘being nice’ to others, often to ‘prove’ their femininity. I call bullshit on this behaviour! This book includes exercises and practical tools to help even the most conflict-averse, people-pleasing readers learn new habits. You’ll learn how to recognize and take inventory of your boundaries, view your boundaries differently by creating a Boundary Pyramid, learn how to say “no” effectively, and set your Bottom-Line Boundary. As your supportive guide, Nancy will show you how to gather the courage to live a life of “boundary badassery.” Buy this book! Click on the link below: Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free: The Ultimate Guide to Telling the Truth, Creating Connection, and Finding Freedom – Nancy Levin:
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This next book is a fantastic find. It’s a quick and easy read but don’t be fooled – there’s a wealth of practical tips that you can implement immediately. It’s a diamond of a book without any unnecessary fluff. Declutter Your Mind is full of exercises that will have an immediate, positive impact on your mindset. Instead of just telling you to do something, it provides practical, science-backed actions that can create real and lasting change if practiced regularly. Buy this book! Click on the link below: Declutter Your Mind: How to Stop Worrying, Relieve Anxiety, and Eliminate Negative Thinking – S J Scott & Barrie Davenport:
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