The things people say to you can hurt you. It’s bad enough when it’s a supposedly ‘well-meaning’ stranger or acquaintance. But sometimes, the most hurtful comments come from people closest to us.
A Low Point in my Life
One of the lowest points in my life, was when an undetected ectopic pregnancy of just under twelve weeks, the result of my third IVF attempt, nearly cost me my life.
After twenty years of trying to have a child, there I was, in my early forties, in hospital, and with my dream in tatters. And nobody around me who understood my sense of loss.
After leaving hospital, I just wanted to go home and process what had happened alone. Having an ectopic pregnancy that I wasn’t even aware of until I collapsed in the street, and then being told I had nearly died twice on the operating table, was a huge shock. I needed time and space to get over it.
The Reaction of Friends
There were flowers and thoughtful cards given to me by friends, which I appreciated. But there was also a phone call from someone I considered a friend. The familiar voice at the end of the line asked me how I was.
I told her I felt shattered by what had happened. Her response shook me to the core. She blurted out that I needed to remember that I hadn’t lost a baby, but had merely lost a collection of cells. And that all the great religions know that a fetus doesn't have a soul until its twelve weeks old - and I was one day short.
Silence. I Could Barely Speak.
Talk about an attempt to invalidate my pain, to try to cancel out the trauma I had just gone through. Frankly, I was stunned. That anyone would consider it even halfway acceptable to come out with such hurtful crap, even if they thought it, was beyond belief. Needless to say – that was the beginning of the end of the friendship.
I’m all about building people up, not beating them when they’re down. And I make it a rule to surround myself with people just like me. Why would anyone want to do otherwise?
The Things People Say
I’d love to say that’s the worst remark about my childless state that I’ve been subjected to. But, sadly, that’s not the case. There have been other, far worse things said to me. It seems that the things people say, or think it’s okay to say, appear to have no boundaries.
If you’re a childless-not-by-choice woman, then the chances are you’ve been on the receiving end of some crap comments too. Some you might ignore due to their stupidity; other remarks can trigger anger in you. And some statements can feel like a blade thrust into your heart.
Especially when they’re made to undermine you, your sense of self and disregard your feelings. Or make it into a ‘competition’ where their pain is so much more than yours. What bullshit.
I’ve listened to some of the corkers that my clients have had thrown at them, and each time I feel for them. The sense of loss, the pain of being childless, the sorrow and anger that comes from thoughtless comments. It’s a horrible place to be.
I’m sure there have been times when you’ve felt like the emotional punchbag that others use to relieve themselves of their own bullshit. But other people have no right to project their crap on to you. Leave them to roast in their own insecurities and to ponder on how they treat others.
Moving Past the Things People Say
Believe me, you really can move past the nasty remarks, thoughtless comments and put-downs, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time. The things people say to you and about you, tell you more about them than anything else.
Luckily for me, I used the tools and techniques that I trained in, not only to help myself, but to also help others to overcome the pain of being childness-not-by-choice. This has been the silver lining to what was once a dark cloud.
Have you had crap comments aimed at you about being childless? How did you react? Comment below and let me know.
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And there’s more…
Here are some resources to help you to move your life forward…
If you are childless-not-by-choice, what’s your Plan B? To help you decide, take a look at this blog: https://www.ruthybaker.com/2020/06/26/what-is-your-plan-b/
Take a look at this video from my YouTube channel. It’s bad enough dealing with your own thoughts about being childless, without other people putting their two-pennies worth in. Learn this quick and easy EFT Tapping technique to calm down and feel better within yourself. Please like, share and subscribe to be kept up-to-date with my latest vlogs, videos and content. Click on the link below:
I produce individually tailored and recorded guided meditations and hypnosis audios, and use wonderful music by Rob Hulford, who I’m a huge fan of. His music is incredibly relaxing and perfect as background music as you use EFT tapping. Check out Rob Hulford’s music here. Click on the link: https://youtu.be/9aKqGAYpQ-g
Order your very own guided meditation/hypnosis MP3 audio via the link below. I’ll contact you via email, then we can discuss what you need and how I can help you. I’ll record the MP3 (with or without background music – your choice) and email it to you for download. MP3 audios are £47 each.
Check out the work of mindset coach Michael Neill. His books are a great way to help you dig your way out of negative thinking patterns, especially about being childless-not-by-choice. In this ground-breaking new book, bestselling author Michael Neill shares an extraordinary new understanding of how life works that turns traditional psychology on its head. This revolutionary approach is built around three simple principles that explain where our feelings come from and how our experience of life can transform for the better in a matter of moments. Buy this book! Click on the link below: The Inside-Out Revolution: The Only Thing You Need to Know to Change Your Life Forever – Michael Neill:
You’ll find this book by Jody Day an incredible read from a woman who has been there. Personally, I think this is the best book written for the childless-not-by-choice woman. It takes a three-pronged approach: personal, political, and practical, and it will help you to navigate the emotional ups-and-downs that you’ll face. Buy this book! Click on the link below: Rocking the Life Unexpected: 12 Weeks to Your Plan B for a Meaningful and Fulfiling Life Without Children – Jody Day:
Want to read more blogs? Take a look at this: https://www.ruthybaker.com/2020/06/22/do-you-fear-being-old-and-childless/
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© Ruthy Baker 2020